A strong community we never wanted to be a part of... but find comfort in

I've known women who have had miscarriages, and I've thought about all the feelings that would come with a miscarriage... and the excitement when you hit that 12 week mark, or the anxious feeling before you get to 12 weeks. But I honestly never thought about having a stillborn baby. I really only knew a couple women who experienced it. There are different stages of stillborn. A baby is considered stillborn when making it to 20 weeks... or so that's what google says. The percent of miscarriage is 25%... 1 in 4, which seems too high :( The percent for stillborn babies is 1%... 1 in 100. 

I keep wondering why I had to be 1 in 100... I keep wondering why anyone has to be in the 25% or the 1%. Why do people who want that baby to join them have to be part of that percent? As I have wrote more about my story and shared it, I have had so many kind mommas reach out to me who have had similar experiences or just feelings of heartache from both miscarriage and stillbirth. There is something about someone just letting you know, "I know how you are feeling, and I'm here for you if you need me."

I know a lot of people don't know what I'm going through, and I'm thankful for them trying to find ways to help me. There is some kind of peace I get knowing other women have had my same experience and have "survived".

They know the feeling of hearing the words, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." and your world comes crashing down. How could this happen... everything was suppose to be okay. I was 38 weeks pregnant and scheduled to be induced in 7 days, everything had to be okay and this had to be a nightmare.

They know the feeling of hope... as I waited to deliver my sweet angel baby, Quinn, I held onto the hope that the doctor was wrong and that she would come out alive and strong instead of lifeless.

They know the feeling when that hope comes crashing down because as you pushed your baby out there was no cry, but just silence in the room followed by cries from mom and dad.

They know the feeling of holding a sweet baby that will never open her eyes.

They know the feeling of taking her hand and wishing her fingers would clasp around yours.

They know the feeling of saying hello and goodbye in the same day. 

They know the feeling of leaving a hospital with empty arms.

They know the feeling of having your eyelids 3 times their normal size because you have cried for hours and hours.

They know the feeling of walking by your baby's room that is all set up but missing the baby that is suppose to fill it with diaper changes and those sweet baby smells.

There are so many feelings of sadness, but yet they are there for those of us experiencing it. I was so grateful that I was able to talk to two women in the hospital, I'm grateful for the women who have reached out to me through social media, and I will forever grateful for the kind photographers who volunteer their beautiful skills to capture the most beautiful angel babies.

I'm grateful for a strong community of moms who have experienced loss, and even though it is so so so hard, they still find that strength to reach out to others to bring them comfort. Thank you for using such a tragic event in your life to help bring a little peace and comfort to those of us just starting this journey. 

I also want to give a shout out to everyone who has sent kind messages and given us some of the most beautiful gifts we will ever receive to help us remember Quinn. I had someone ask me what my favorite gift was. And to be honest I never thought about a favorite, I just thought about the kind and loving people who were just trying to do anything and say anything they could to let us know how much we are loved.

You are my forever... and we will have a joyful reunion in Heaven someday.

Since losing Quinn I have been able to connect with a lot of moms who have experienced the same kind of loss. It's not a club we all wanted to join, but it is a group that reaches out and supports. One mom I've connected with was gifted a beautiful saying that has brought some comfort.

"And to think, the first thing you saw when you opened your little eyes, was the face of Jesus" 

- Andrew Michael

We buried Quinn in a beautiful cemetery, where they have a spot dedicated to angel babies who are two and under <3

We had the most beautiful service for Quinn. It was short, and we kept it small. My father in law's spiritual thought talked about how she is surrounded by so many who love her in heaven, and we will be with her again someday and what a great reunion that will be. 

Three of my dearest friends sang a song that I listened to my whole pregnancy, and each day since school has been out. Quinn and I would listen and she would kick to the sound. It's brought comfort on the hard days. 

My sister read a poem about white roses that some friends gave us along with 100 white roses. It is something I will hold dear to my heart forever <3

The White Rose – Myrna Cox

All the earth’s mothers where gathered together at God’s garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits who would someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the garden.

A loving father spoke to the mothers, “See the works of my hands? Some day you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits.”

The garden glowed with a mixture of all kinds and colors.
“Choose you,” He said.

Now in the east corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity, which set them apart. One by one, mothers stepped forward.

“I want the blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.”

Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love, who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into warmth and love of an earthly home.

Once again the loving father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your homes, for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them.”

“No not I, “many said in unison. “I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I” said others. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.”
The loving father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in his eye for someone to step forward. Silence.

Then he said, “See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked, and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone of you choose like unto him?”

A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes Lord, I will.” Then another, “I will as well.” “Yes, we will Lord.”

Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of their mother.

The father spoke again, “Oh blessed are you who choose the white roses. For your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time.”

The white ones embraced their mothers and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew that they could endure the task and the greatest of all the white ones gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks.
The outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each mother who bore the weight of the white rose would feel the overwhelming love of God as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

We love you, Quinn. You will forever be in our hearts, and we will have a great reunion one day in heaven. 

Heaven Baby... helping our children understand

I remember not long after finding out that Quinn no longer had a heartbeat we called my mom. I only had told my sister that I was going to the hospital because I couldn't remember when she moved last. Brad had told his dad, but I didn't want to worry a lot of people. Well, my sister told my mom for us, and when brad called her he couldn't get the words out... none of us could, because how could our baby not having a heartbeat be real? It had to be a nightmare. We all cried together and somehow understood what was happening. Brad handed me the phone and I remember telling my mom that I can't do this, this thing that was happening to me was too hard and I wasn't ready. I was suppose to come into the hospital and they were suppose to be able to find her heartbeat. This wasn't what I had planned, and I am a planner when it comes to these things.

While on the phone I told my mom, "Mom, how do we tell our kids?! I can't tell them their baby sister, Quinn, died. I can't do that to them." At home we had been counting down the days that Quinn would make an entrance into our family. I had been scheduled to be induced July 29th, and each day we would ask Alexa how many more days until July 29th.

My sister had been watching the kids and we didn't call and tell her anything while with the kids. We had my father-in-law take over for the night and Brad planned on coming home and telling them.  Brad got a few hours of sleep and headed out to go home and shower and tell the kids. They had been wondering when we were coming home, and were expecting us to be bringing baby Quinn home.

He told them that baby Quinn had a special spirit that was needed back in heaven, and that she was now with Heavenly Father. It's interesting because when you have a baby that has died in the hospital they give you all these stapled booklets about grief and how to deal with it and I remember browsing one section where it talked about how to tell children. It said to come out and say that the baby died. My kids had just gone to a graveside service for their great grandpa, so they understood what happened to our sweet baby Quinn, but they had a hard time understanding why it had to happen. They both cried, which Brad told them it's okay to cry because mom and dad had cried a lot too.

A day or two after I got home I had a friend who went us a beautiful book called, Heaven Baby.

We sat down one night and read this book together. It's such a beautiful story told from a 5 year old's perspective about an angel baby brother she has in heaven. As we read it, we talked about what we thought heaven might be like, and what we think Quinn might be doing up there. 

Losing their baby sister has been hard. Both of my kids keep asking me if I have another baby in my tummy. Chase has cried about how he still wants a baby sister, which is interesting because he cried when he found out Quinn was a girl. I'm not sure how things will go moving forward, but we will continue to celebrate our Angel Quinn. She is so loved and missed. Charley decided to go the mortuary so she could see Quinn and their matching bracelets that a friend made for both of us. 

Both kids wanted to help in the graveside service by carrying the casket. It was so sweet, but something I hope no one I know has to experience. 

I'll be adding a graveside post in the next few days with all my thoughts...