A baby born still is still a beautiful baby

I've found that there aren't the perfect words for anyone who has a stillborn, and I decided to write my story so that I could try to explain the best I could my own feelings about having a stillborn. It's only been 6 days, but each day has brought a challenge and I am learning more about myself and celebrating holding my sweet Quinn for the time I was able to.

After having Quinn and getting feeling back in my legs (thank you epidural), our nurse, Katherine, asked if I would want to go to the surgery recover floor or the postpartum floor. She told me she would recommend going to the postpartum floor because they would give me better care, but I might hear some babies cry. I had already heard the baby's heartbeat in the room next to me, so I didn't think anything could be worse. They moved me to a wheelchair and we headed to postpartum, where when you entered it said, "welcome to motherhood!" I have two kids at home, but it seemed to sting a little because my baby wasn't in my arms like normal.

Katherine, gave me a little minky blanket on my way out, and said she had talked to a friend that told her the hardest part of her day was leaving the hospital without a baby. She thought I could at least have a blanket to hold when I left. My new nurse in postpartum was great, but I was handed a bunch of paperwork to go through and it wasn't really something I wanted to think about. One thing they kept pushing was choosing a mortuary. I wasn't ready to choose a mortuary, I wasn't planning on leaving the hospital without my baby. I wasn't planning on filling out a form for a death certificate instead of a birth certificate.

Brad and I tried to sleep the best we could for a little bit because we had been up all night. I think I may have gotten 1.5 hours of sleep while there, but as I was about to fall asleep I kept hearing the Dr tell me there was not heartbeat. I felt like I was in a nightmare and still do. I'm just waiting to wake up.

We were able to spend hours and hours holding our sweet Angel. She is so beautiful, and you couldn't help but rock her as your held her. The night shift nurses were great bringing her to me when asked, but once the shift changed and I had her brought to me during the day I broke down in tears when the Nurse House Supervisor brought her in and had covered her whole body with a blanket to hide her. I thought she was so beautiful, they could at least uncover her before they brought her in my room.

Later in the day some wonderful moms that volunteer for Share Parents of Utah came to visit with me and talk about the babies that they had lost. They let me talk with them, cry with them, and gave me information for monthly support meetings they have. They took Quinn and made mold impressions of her hands and feet so that I could always have them close to me. I told them how I was scared to tell my kids that their baby sister died and was now in heaven (thanks Brad for telling them). They gave me books for us to read together, and because of Covid they weren't able to visit so they helped me find special bears for Quinn to take pictures with that they can keep forever. I will be forever grateful for these women who volunteer, and for the photographer who volunteers to take pictures of angel babies.

(isn't she such a beautiful angel)

As I held her for one last time in the hospital, I cried and cried realizing she wasn't coming home with us. I had to leave my beautiful baby, who I had spent the last 38 weeks with dancing inside me. It didn't seem fair. I just keep reminding myself that someday we will all get to be together, and that she had a few great grandpas and family members welcoming her to heaven.

We called the nurse at 7:45 to let them know we were ready to go. I thought they would wheel me out in a wheelchair, that seems to be what normally happens after you have a baby... and I did just have a baby, she just wasn't coming home with me. But the nurse didn't come with a wheelchair, so I got out of bed and walked down the hall where everyone stared. I'm sure they tried to think of something to say. I read that only 1% of pregnancies end in still birth (which is after 20 weeks). Only 2.1/10,000 still births occur around 37-38 weeks. It didn't seem fair. And it didn't seem fair that I had to walk out of there, a nurse escorting us outside and awkwardly standing in the elevator with us, and no baby.

So if this happens to you, and I pray it doesn't... make sure you ask for a wheelchair, because hello... you did have a baby that morning, and having to walk out when I was crushed inside was one of the hardest things to do.

Our Angel, Quinn Nicole Campbell

Monday, July 20th I headed in for my weekly appointment. Everything looked great, and Quinn's heart was beating strong. Tuesday Brad and I were busy with family in town for his grandpa's funeral and I wasn't really paying attention to see if she was kicking me.

Wednesday I realized I hadn't felt her move, and so I started drinking juice and laying down. I thought I would feel little flutters, but it wasn't her normal jab in the ribs. So around 5pm I just didn't have a good feeling and couldn't stop worrying so I told Brad I wanted to go to the hospital just to check on her.

When we got to the hospital they had a room ready to check her heartbeat. They asked me when the last time I felt her move, and I couldn't remember. I told them I thought I had felt her move that day, but I think I was just being hopeful. I mean she was fine two days ago when I had my appointment. She had to be okay, and I just had to be paranoid.

The nurse put the heart monitor on, moved it around, but couldn't find a heartbeat. So next the on call Dr. was called in and she had a small ultrasound machine. Quinn was over on my right side in a position that was hard to see if her heart was beating, so they called for an ultrasound tech with a bigger screen so they could really see. At this point there was a nurse in the room trying to reassure me that the baby was in a weird position and that there was still hope. The Dr. used the bigger machine and confirmed that there was no heartbeat, and she didn't see very much amniotic fluid.

"Kellie, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." was probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, she was suppose to be okay, and we had scheduled to have her in a week. My heart was broken, and I was screaming "No" over and over again as Brad and I cried together. It didn't seem real. How could this happen? The Dr. hugged me for a while and looked me in the eye saying, "Kellie, you need to know that this is not your fault! It is not your fault."

It's been a internal battle within me to keep telling me it wasn't me fault. Why didn't I come sooner... why did I not have very much amniotic fluid... She was suppose to be okay, and I didn't help her when she needed my help. So many thoughts flowed through my head.

We were moved to a delivery room and I decided to get the pitocin right away so that I could deliver her. I got my epidural and we just sat, and cried more and more. My Dr. was called and he came in to check in on me and said he would come back to deliver her.

About 5 hours later I called my nurse to tell her it was time... Her name was Katherine, and she was the sweetest Labor and Delivery nurse. my Dr. arrived about 10 minutes after being called, I pushed two times, and our beautiful Quinn Nicole was born still at 1:20am on July 23rd. They cleaned her off for me and then put her in my arms, and I cried and cried and cried because how could this beautiful baby not be alive.

The nurses worked hard to find her the cutest clothes they could in the hospital since we left our diaper bag in the car and we just wanted to be together for as long as we could. We had her weighed and measured. She weighed 6lbs 9 oz which we thought she was more because she has such chubby cheeks. She measure 19 1/4 inches and was beautiful.

We were able to spend as much time as possible with her until I checked out that night at 8pm. We still are not sure what happened... my water wasn't broken, so we talked and gave the hospital permission to do an autopsy after talking with my dr. He said because I was still young and would probably have more children it would be helpful to see if there was something they could find from the autopsy.


I'll share more about my hospital experience having a stillborn baby in my next post.

This is one of my favorite pictures of her because you can see her Chubby cheeks. The nurses also all commented on how long her fingernails are.