Wednesday I realized I hadn't felt her move, and so I started drinking juice and laying down. I thought I would feel little flutters, but it wasn't her normal jab in the ribs. So around 5pm I just didn't have a good feeling and couldn't stop worrying so I told Brad I wanted to go to the hospital just to check on her.
When we got to the hospital they had a room ready to check her heartbeat. They asked me when the last time I felt her move, and I couldn't remember. I told them I thought I had felt her move that day, but I think I was just being hopeful. I mean she was fine two days ago when I had my appointment. She had to be okay, and I just had to be paranoid.
The nurse put the heart monitor on, moved it around, but couldn't find a heartbeat. So next the on call Dr. was called in and she had a small ultrasound machine. Quinn was over on my right side in a position that was hard to see if her heart was beating, so they called for an ultrasound tech with a bigger screen so they could really see. At this point there was a nurse in the room trying to reassure me that the baby was in a weird position and that there was still hope. The Dr. used the bigger machine and confirmed that there was no heartbeat, and she didn't see very much amniotic fluid.
"Kellie, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat." was probably the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. I'm 38 weeks pregnant, she was suppose to be okay, and we had scheduled to have her in a week. My heart was broken, and I was screaming "No" over and over again as Brad and I cried together. It didn't seem real. How could this happen? The Dr. hugged me for a while and looked me in the eye saying, "Kellie, you need to know that this is not your fault! It is not your fault."
It's been a internal battle within me to keep telling me it wasn't me fault. Why didn't I come sooner... why did I not have very much amniotic fluid... She was suppose to be okay, and I didn't help her when she needed my help. So many thoughts flowed through my head.
We were moved to a delivery room and I decided to get the pitocin right away so that I could deliver her. I got my epidural and we just sat, and cried more and more. My Dr. was called and he came in to check in on me and said he would come back to deliver her.
About 5 hours later I called my nurse to tell her it was time... Her name was Katherine, and she was the sweetest Labor and Delivery nurse. my Dr. arrived about 10 minutes after being called, I pushed two times, and our beautiful Quinn Nicole was born still at 1:20am on July 23rd. They cleaned her off for me and then put her in my arms, and I cried and cried and cried because how could this beautiful baby not be alive.
The nurses worked hard to find her the cutest clothes they could in the hospital since we left our diaper bag in the car and we just wanted to be together for as long as we could. We had her weighed and measured. She weighed 6lbs 9 oz which we thought she was more because she has such chubby cheeks. She measure 19 1/4 inches and was beautiful.
We were able to spend as much time as possible with her until I checked out that night at 8pm. We still are not sure what happened... my water wasn't broken, so we talked and gave the hospital permission to do an autopsy after talking with my dr. He said because I was still young and would probably have more children it would be helpful to see if there was something they could find from the autopsy.
I'll share more about my hospital experience having a stillborn baby in my next post.
This is one of my favorite pictures of her because you can see her Chubby cheeks. The nurses also all commented on how long her fingernails are.
Kellie, this is beautiful. Her little cheeks are so adorable. I think of you every day. ❤️ Thank you for sharing your story.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written Kellie. She is gorgeous. My heart goes out to you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKellie, thank you for sharing Quinn’s story. The doctors sound like they were amazingly compassionate and supportive. She is beautiful! I hope the results of the autopsy will allow you and your family to have some closure. My prayers are for strength for all of you as you move through the process of grieving for little Quinn and being able to move forward in hope and peace.
ReplyDeleteShe is such a beautiful little girl! I can't help but read this and think this was all part of God's plan. It was not your fault, it was the way God intended it to be. And sometimes Gods plans just outright suck. I'm so sad you and your family have had to go through this. Such a precious little girl.
ReplyDeleteKellie - written from the heart. I cannot imagine the grief you and your family are experiencing. She is just beautiful. Sending prayers to you.
ReplyDeleteYou’ve got to be one of the strongest moms I know… Thank you for sharing this experience. You will indeed be a support to other women and who experience something like this. God’s purposes are so hard to understand… Stay strong
ReplyDeleteKellie:( my heart goes out to you and Brad ... know that I am thinking of you guys and you are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteShe is so beautiful!! Those cheeks are adorable!! What an angel. My heart is broken for you. This is so unfair. It could happen to anyone and is NOT your fault in any way. I have always hated that they make it seem like you should be able to catch problems through kick counts. It's too much responsibility for something that is completely out of your control. I know that every mom has gone long periods of time without feeling kicks where something could go wrong. I hope that you will be able to continue to fight the good fight when negative thoughts about yourself come. You can't blame yourself! I am very sorry that we won't be around to help with the funeral as we are out of town. We are still praying for you!
ReplyDeleteOh friend I am so sorry for your loss. I think the most devastating words that can come from a dr are “there’s no heartbeat”, Over the years I’ve learned where to look for a heartbeat, so now most times I know before they even tell me, I almost feel bad that they even have to say those words. No matter how many times I’ve heard it its still earth shattering. You and your sweet family are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteAnd she is so beautiful.
DeleteMy heart is broken for you Kellie. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your story and pictures of your beautiful girl 💕🙏🏼
ReplyDeleteOh Kellie, she is so beautiful! Thank you for sharing your story. I love you and know you will have the chance to raise Quinn. Families truly are forever 💕
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful mama who loves her sweet girl so much—I felt it as I read this and I hope you feel her love for you! Thank you for sharing your spirit and these precious pictures of your Quinn.
ReplyDeleteQuinn is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your experience. I know it will help others who have been, are, or will be in your position. I wish your family comfort at this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteKellie, I am so heartbroken for you. I can't imagine the heartache you are experiencing. But I do find hope, and knowing your faith, that your baby girl is in the most gracious hands of our Lord. I pray for your peace and comfort, and please know that my prayers are always with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful writing! Thanks so much for sharing. Quinn is so beautiful and what a loved little girl she is. I cannot even imagine the heartache you are experiencing and don't know how or what to say to give you "hope". But know this, You show the love that you & Brad give for your sweet baby! May peace and comfort come to your hearts.
ReplyDeleteShe is so beautiful! Thank you for Sharing your story! May you find healing and peace! Lots of love to you And your family Kellie!
ReplyDeleteQuinn is absolutely beautiful. My prayers to you and your precious family.
ReplyDelete